It seems as though, more often than not, people are this way because of old patterns or learned behaviors that go way back — and if you want to defuse the issue, speak softly and put down the stick. Instead of jumping all over your partner, tell them things aren’t working, and why. He suggests using “and” instead, which sounds more positive and can add to the conversation rather than detract from it. ), it doesn’t make it palatable. The existing Open Comments threads will continue to exist for those who do not subscribe to Independent Premium. And this questioning actually transforms the argument into a problem-solving discussion - so don’t forget to ask questions the next time your partner brings up your inability to put the toilet seat down. Don’t get defensive, though: “Holding a defensive posture perpetuates conflict,” she says. “As I tell clients, it's about learning to date on the offense, not the defense.” Your partner doesn’t have to duck for cover, and you can figure things out together. “This would indicate if they are willing to work on this and work through with you,” she says. They may open up and tell you that they’re angry about something else, stressed from work, or something that brings the two of you closer to a healthy relationship dynamic.”. You can find our Community Guidelines in full here. But rather than blaming this on your partner’s inability to listen to anything you say, focus instead on the issue at hand. It allows our most engaged readers to debate the big issues, share their own experiences, discuss real-world solutions, and more. Arguments are an unavoidable part of life, and relationships - unfortunately, just because you know you are right doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same way. When you see this happening, it's important to remind your partner that you love them and care about them and, if possible, that you're not attached to whatever it is they are arguing about.”. Others are argumentative because they’re in occupations where arguing is normal and necessary — and they take this behavior home. Some partners are argumentative because they’re angry about something in the relationship, but rather than deal with it directly, they pick at every opportunity and arguing is the best way for them to do this.”. You might say, ‘You’re arguing with me,’ and test the waters.” Instead of fighting back, give them a chance to back off. Articulate to them that they have to change their tone to be heard. And whatever you do, don't attack your partner's character in the process - as Nelson said arguments should never be a "character assassination.". If you can, have that talk about what’s what way before tension breaks out. “The best way to end the ‘who is supposed to do what’ argument is to do it — or at least work it out — together and make it fun.” Get the dishes done together, and you’ll get them done in half the time. As long as you and your partner are not arguing just to argue, the argument arose because you are not understanding each other. Are you sure you want to delete this comment? Asking questions that begin with “why,” “what” and “how,” is also important, according to Sullivan, as it forces the other person to talk and you to listen. This, of course, begs the question: Why are some partners so argumentative, and how can you work on this? “Sometimes, you have to disengage from the conversation in order to really be effective in your getting your point across as to how their conversation tactics are effecting you,” White says. By practicing compassion and detachment, you can move on, instead of engaging in a fight. “If you are able to get on their level by asking questions and truly understanding where this combative nature comes from, together you two can work on building a different form of communication.” Though argumentativeness is annoying, it doesn’t have to be a relationship-ender, as long as you can work together. But according to Nelson, monitoring these emotions is integral to winning an argument - as “it’s not just about what you say but how you say it.”, In order to keep your wits about you, take deep, slow breathes and speak with "intention.". “Instead of assuming the best, [they] could be accusing and blaming.” No good. “Also, they may have only had partners who were either argumentative as well, or did not try to work on this behavior and them having healthier interactions.” It’s not going to fly in your relationship, though. After all, you’re still entitled to your own opinion. Are you sure you want to mark this comment as inappropriate? “I love you but…” does sound a lot worse than “I love you and… “. “Attack the issue and not each other,” Martinez reminds. It’s also wise to point out the problem — not vilify the person. “Often, when I know that what I am saying or doing is not yielding the results I want, I am more apt to change.”. “They are forgetting about that curious posture they once held … when the relationship was new and fun,” marriage counselor Jessica Wade tells Bustle. All rights reserved. “If they’re surprised, then simply bringing arguments to light is a great way to begin to dissolve them,” she says. Want an ad-free experience?Subscribe to Independent Premium. If not — move on. Images: Andrew Zaeh for Bustle; Giphy (9). Blaming is no longer necessary when the blamed partner’s defensiveness turns instead to curiosity about how to fix whatever problem is at hand.” So instead of getting upset every time your partner is argumentative, try sitting down and having an open conversation about it. Please be respectful when making a comment and adhere to our Community Guidelines. Sometimes it's all in the approach to actually talk things out before they become heated,” she says. And don’t worry if you and your partner argue - according to a study conducted by the University of Michigan, arguing can be good for your health. And more be posted by members of our membership scheme, Independent Premium argue, argument. Change their tone to be heard, and everything in between of engaging in a emotional... And profanities surprised, then simply bringing arguments to light is a halfway in! Neutral manner, especially in arguments “instead of assuming the best, [ they ] could be accusing and No... 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